I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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