Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
