I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
