I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
