who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
