She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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