Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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