I'm so fucking centered right now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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