I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
