You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
