If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
