True but thats because hes a fetus.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
