you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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