Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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