Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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