can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
