God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
