Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
