I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
