Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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