He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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