She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
