You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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