I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
