he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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