No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
