my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just had sex on a roof
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
