I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
