remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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