i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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