I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
