i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
