My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
