he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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