I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
