I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
