Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
