I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
