I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
