There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
