He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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