just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
