still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As shirtless as possible
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
