The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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