While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
