I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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