I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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