you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I checked into jail on foursquare
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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