a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
