So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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