Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
