you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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